Increased Frustration

It’s 2:30am again.  And i’m typing away again.  I’ve been up for the past hour typing up BG readings and trying to make sense of the impossible.  We are in the middle of my most hated part of our diabetes cycle, the completely impossible to make sense of change.

Emily is predictably unpredictable.  Her levels do the same thing all the time.  There is a big issue (usually through the night) with a time block and high or low levels.  From nowhere she’ll suddenly be impossibly hypo or hyper no matter what adjustments we make.

We are currently on day 4 of impossibly high readings, at best the corrections keep her level but generally despite hefty corrections her levels just increase. 9pm, 11pm, 1am, 3am every single night at the moment.  And achieving nothing except pent up anger at digesting the impossible information being thrown at me.

After about a week we’ll start making progress generally, and within 2 weeks suddenly her levels will be great again.  So you do all this hard work for 2 weeks and what is the reward?  Generally 2-4 days of rest & feel good readings.  Then it is turned on it’s head again and we will be back to square 1.  We’ll start the cycle again, all for the possibility of 2 good days.

I want to scream, I want to punch a wall, smash plates, anything to stop me from feeling like I am going completely insane while holding all this together.  I know that diabetes isn’t easy but surely it can’t be this hard.  No one else I talk to seems to be losing quite as much sleep or suffer from such persistent issues.  But why?  Do you?  Do you just not say anything and suffer in silence?  Am I that bloody OCD that i’m sending myself crazy by being obsessed with getting it right every single time?  Can you really do too much when it comes to looking after your diabetes?

I’m pretty sure before long i’m going to be dragged away by men in white coats as I slowly continue to fall apart.  We are 3.5 years into this journey and I feel more out of control than ever.  Diabetes is all consuming.  It has taken away everything else I know and use to enjoy & turned it into a chore and something I despise, crippled my health and taken my own sanity.

The question is how will it all end!

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