Today I have come face to face with the inevitable. With Emily running high for the past week it has led to more testing, especially through the night (her correction ratio doesn’t quite fit at the moment so it’s taking 2 corrections at least to hit the mark). And suddenly it hit me like a walking in front of a truck. Burnout. At the worst possible time.
I was laid in bed watching TV, glancing down at my phone, 10:55pm (early in my world) just 5 minutes until the next BG reading. Emily had pulled a fantastic 21.0 at 9pm that made me crumple on the spot. Despite knowing how crucial this next reading was and being just 5 minutes shy of testing my body had other ideas. I was gone.
Alarms pre-set at 01:00, 01:02 & 01:30 were useless. I was not waking up. I push the boundaries of my sleep to the extremes. I’m never asleep before midnight, generally I’ll go to bed between 1 & 2am to make sure Emily has no more than 5 hours without a test.
Despite missing the alarms I do wake up to a degree, try to rise out of bed but whatever I want to do my brain doesn’t. I manage to grumble a barely audible comment to my wife who confirms she has picked up the mantle for the evening and she was now 22.0. Even worse. Again I slip back into my slumber unintentionally. At this point I’d want to be up, waiting for the next test, making sure ketones were checked too. Are there bubbles in the line? Every possible reason for these ridiculous readings.
It’s now 4:55am, I glance down at my phone that is still in the bed clinging to it’s last ounce of battery. I try to get up again to check Emily, the only way I can describe my attempts is watching a fish flap about when it’s out the water. The rocking wakes my wife who say a number that sounds better. I manage to roll out of bed, plug my phone in and fall back into bed for another 90 minutes.
I wake up feeling guilt like I’ve let Emily down, she cannot do this, it is my job and I failed. What if my wife hadn’t have woken up and taken over. How ill could she have been today? What if something really bad happened? I continue to beat myself up over the what ifs? Next time we may not be so lucky. I spend the morning apologising which she says I don’t need to but I just hate this when it happens.
It’s now 10am, and this blog is the most productive thing I’ve done today. The cogs still are not turning. I find myself opening my eyes and seeing my monitor and cork board above my work desk. I have the classic look of a parent dealing with diabetes. I lack the energy to feign a smile, or act interested at menial conversations, my face gives me away even hidden under a 2 week old beard. I think we chalk today as a loss, coast through with my hood up and a headphone in. 5pm will be here soon then my real job of managing diabetes starts again!
Have a good weekend all!