Today has not been a good day. Actually it hasn’t been a good weekend as a whole.
The fact I currently have 3 other half written blog posts behind the scenes shows my ability to follow things through at present. I am keeping out of Amy & Emily’s way because I seem to spend my time snapping at them for no other reason than I am getting annoyed with things that are beyond their control. And once I have shouted at them for the poorest reason I just end up feeling worse & guilty for doing so.
So here are just a few things that have got me to this coiled up ball of stress.
1. Emily has spent the entire weekend with either a very high BG or hypo, she only hits range while passing through to each extreme. Despite having the Navigator to monitor I have had very limited success stopping each extreme.
2. This morning the sensor of the Navigator died. I instantly felt lost. Yes we had coped well over 3 years without a CGM but it had given so much more confidence to us all this week. It has felt like we had got a small part of our lives back & now it is gone. I’ll go back to sleeping 2-4 hours a night. I know even if we were to apply for funding this would be both unlikely and time consuming. At best we are looking at another 6 months before we can self fund.
3. I’m sick, my immune system has been battered in the past 2 months due to Emily being all over the place, the lack of sleep has meant I have caught every bug going & not been able to shift them. I’ve had 2 head colds & bronchitis, on top of that I’ve had issues with my chest, moments of sheer panic when I cannot breathe, a racing heart & blood pressure high enough to warrant closer monitoring by my GP. Finally I have a feeling that initially one, now both eyes have the feeling of someone pushing needles in them from behind while being squeezed in a nutcracker. Something again the GP wants checked as they were concerned of Glaucoma. I can’t think of the last day when I didn’t feel broken with a crushing headache.
4. Since D has taken over the thing to go to the wall is my running. I simply cannot train on no sleep. The nights in our house are my responsibility. If my wife has to do them she just isn’t worth living with for the next 4 days (she won’t appreciate me saying this but she also won’t deny it). So I do the long nights. I am meant to be running the London Marathon in 2 months for JDRF. The irony the condition I am trying to raise money for is the thing stopping me from running is not lost on me. But it is getting me down. Today I came to the decision that I would not be attempting to make my prep race of Silverstone in 3 weeks. With all the combined health issues it would not be safe & certainly would not aide my slim chance of being fit for London in 2 months. Not only have I wanted to complete VLM for many years but also I do not want to let down JDRF & those I am trying to raise money for.
It is doubly hard as I keep seeing Amy going out, enjoying her running and doing so well. I am proud of her as I always have been but the thought that we will not be able to do all this together is getting me down. She also does not take well to accepting she is improving so when she comes in acting like Eeyore saying how awful it was despite running excellent times i’m feeling less than tolerant to it. But I am so proud, if she came in happy and feeling good I would share that but I can’t stand someone miserable after coming in from something I want to be getting out there and doing.
I feel like at the moment I’m looking at a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle and don’t have a clue where to start. I feel stuck in a vicious downward spiral that I can’t climb up from. Emily is always going to be the number one priority, her well-being & safety will always come first. But I know what means for everything else. I just have to find a way to come to terms with it.
Those I would usually talk to at times like this, blow of steam to & look for the positives seemed to have disappeared into thin air, and i’m pretty sure they wouldn’t waste their times listening to me rant here so will go on oblivious to the struggles going on at present. So unfortunately I’ve wasted all your time reading this instead. Sorry!
So this weekend I am hating Diabetes with a vengeance, it has taken over. It hasn’t just changed Emily’s future but all of ours, crushing ambitions on a daily basis, causing illness and complications beyond the pancreas it has attacked. I know things will eventually improve. We’ll get the control back and maybe have some normality in the house. But for now there seems no end in sight. And that’s the hardest thing to deal with.